Camel-Toe-na or Christina Aguilera

christinaaguilera

Christina Aguilera
Toe Factor: 7

I’m not really sure what to make of this. I know she’s from Pittsburgh, and I’m guessing that this is some sort of bizarre Moulin Rouge-inspired halftime show at a Steeler’s game. I do know that her camel toe is firmer than Coach Bill Cowher’s chin, which is itself Rushmorian in its prominence and structural integrity.

I’m told that of all of the teenybopper music out there that she is really the one with talent, so I’ll accept that as true. But I don’t have to merely accept at face value that she looks tacky and trashy… that I can see for myself. But in the greater Pittsburgh area, these adjectives are not the least bit off-putting. I went to a Jack LaLane gym in Mount Lebanon in 1988 with my friend Lytle and what I saw there scarred me forever.

I have never seen such a combination of facial hair, center parts, those elastic geenie-style exercise pants that look like bengal stripes and come in all NFL colors and–of course–undeniable use of massive quantities of dianabol. I am confident that the scene there today is not different in any way whatsoever. If you’re in New York or the Westchester area and see a guy who is 5’6″ in both height and width and wearing the either a Dartmouth t-shirt or a shirt that advertises Firewater (a bar near Three Rivers Stadium), just say “Hi, Rich”. Then you will know what Pittsburgh is all about.

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