I have shocked the staff at The Camel Toe Report, by sacking our long time serving photographer Lyle, after blagging a couple of tickets to the Beijing 2008 Olympics, then sneaking him in through the trades man entrance, he is caught by NBC trying to catch Nastia moving her hands to get a quick swatch of her bulge but there is a few thing which annoy me here.

Patriotoesm Factor: 10

As our commander and chief says, there is “good” and there is “evil.” This is the former. When you’re fighting a war in the Middle East, where the battlefield is essentially a large beach, it makes sense to bring in top Camel toe fashion designers to consult with the pentagon on proper attire for our troops.

Toe Factor: 5 (not great camel toe, but a lovely photo)
Favorite Movie: Any Teen Slasher Garbage

Sarah Michelle Gellar is excellent. We all like to pretend we haven’t seen her films (”Scream 2″, “I Know What Camp You Attended Last Summer”, etc) cause they are generally frivolous, and by watching them, we reveal our own frivolity. Wasn’t that deep? I thought so.

Toe Factor: 3 (barely a Camel Toe)
Seen at: Sky Bar, telling a guy “No, you cannot buy me a Mojito…and yes, they are real”

There are those that will tell you that Melissa Joan Hart has never been able to transcend her “Sabrina: the Teenage Witch” role. I dont really care about that. She is what the late, great Phil Hartmann would call “SASSY.”

Toe Factor: 10 (in the name of all that’s holy!)
Seen: Every arena with more than 50,000 seats

Achtung Baby! Bono loves the fans. But in this concert, he REALLY appears to be enjoying himself. Do not get me wrong. I dig U2, particularly because they are Ireland’s single biggest export. But this is without precedent.

Toe Factor: 8
Seen: Aspen, Rodeo Drive, seeking “life after love”.

It looks like she’s got a Sheraton Hotel in her Camel Toe! Many have queried as to why Sonny was first interested in Cher..that was, after all, before she had any plastic surgery and her face looked like some of Picasso’s cubist work. Here’s a theory: at 4′6″ Sonny was at the perfect height to scrutinize, appreciate and ultimately fall in love with her Toe. And, as we all know, that is the purest and most enduring kind of love.

Toe Factor: 7 (unclear how much the pants are helping)
Seen: Basically nowhere since Law & Order

Angie Harmon (She now goes by Angie Sehorn) is the definitive hot smart chick. When she played the DA on Law & Order, it gave every overworked, underpaid law student hope of one day meeting someone other than the girl on graveyard shift at Kinkos.

Toe Factor: 10 (the outline of the crown is sturdy)
Favorite Movie: The Crying Game

I guess with his return to just being called Prince, he could be called The Artist Formerly Known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. I ran into him once in a nightclub in NYC a few years ago. The guy is so short, he could check Patrick Ewing for dingleberries without even crouching over. Maybe 5′4″.

Toe Factor: 10
Beers/day: 10
Brilliance of creating “Girls gone Wild”: 10
Brilliance of getting Snoop Dogg to host “GGW”: 10

Spring Break is something that I will never get too old to enjoy watching on MTV. I fully expect to be watching it in diapers in an assisted living facility in 2044. I don’t even think that in college I’d have actually wanted to go to South Padre Island or Daytona Beach, but my vicarious pleasure in witnessing it never wanes. I particularly like it when MTV follows a group of guys and a group of girls for the week and chronicles their hook-ups, puking, body shots and other assorted activities.

Toe Factor: 4

What is it about the Chevy Corvette that has attracted more cheese than any other sports car out there? Carlisle, PA is a town in SE Pennsylvania, not far from Harrisburg (which is the state capital only because a long time ago the Redcoats controlled Philadelphia).