Toe Factor: 3 (barely a Camel Toe)
Seen at: Sky Bar, telling a guy “No, you cannot buy me a Mojito…and yes, they are real”

There are those that will tell you that Melissa Joan Hart has never been able to transcend her “Sabrina: the Teenage Witch” role. I dont really care about that. She is what the late, great Phil Hartmann would call “SASSY.”

Toe Factor: 3 (photo looks like it has been altered to enhance her Camel Toe )
# of Lip Enhancing Surgeries: 5

Kylie Minogue is a superstar in Australia and Europe. But Americans have never seemed to give a damn. Why have we Americans embraced chumps like Men at Work, Russell Crowe (the poetry-reciting brat) and Paul Hogan while remaining indifferent to this little strumpet?

Toe Factor: 8

It’s spring break time again. Unfortunately, Tammi here won’t be participating. You see, students of junior colleges like Santa Rosa JC and College of Marin (aka First Unified College of Kentfield) don’t get “Spring Breaks”. Instead, they go “tubin’ on the Russian”. Tammi, eager for her associate degree in Dental Science next year is taking advantage of the speed of the new online registration to go play in the river for a day.

Toe Factor: 8 (it’s just a way of looking at that toe and saying, “hey bud, let’s party”)
Babe Factor: 10 (let’s keep the focus on Phoebe)

Well, alright Hamilton! We all know Judge Reinhold’s verdict here: GUILTY of TOE in the FIRST DEGREE. We here at The Camel Toe Report affirm the lower court’s decision unanimously. Phoebe made every male born between 1964 and 1971 to a family that kept Vaseline or Lubriderm under the bathroom sink get better acquainted with “Mr. Hand”.

MenTOE Health: 10
Mental Health: 3
Here’s a fine toe shot of the singer who will never quite be anything more than the poor-man’s Whitney Houston. Even her breakdowns and bad marriages can’t compare to the anorexia and lesbian rumors of the real Diva. After ten years of overexposure and undeniable success, I cannot decide if she is good looking or not. I doubt she will age gracefully; her trend of dressing sluttier with each passing year charts a very dangerous course for the years 2011 and beyond.

Toe Factor: 7

Never in history has someone gone from adorable to adwhorable faster than Miss Lohan. How can the woman pictured in this  Camel Toe photo, who dates the cheesy guy from That 70s Show whose name isn’t Ashton, be only six years removed from the girl who starred as twins in THE PARENT TRAP?

Toe Factor: 8
Nepotoeism Factor: 10

Since Beverly Hills 90210 went off the air last year, business at the PEACH PIT has slumped. With Brandon (Jason Priestly) either in rehab at Promises in Malibu (where his roommate is A.J. from Backstreet Boys) or touring with Barenaked Ladies, Nat needed someone at the counter who could drive traffic and move some of his pies. Enter Tori Spelling, who was ’referred’ to Nat by her dad, the actual owner of the restaurant.

Christina Aguilera
Toe Factor: 7

I’m not really sure what to make of this. I know she’s from Pittsburgh, and I’m guessing that this is some sort of bizarre Moulin Rouge-inspired halftime show at a Steeler’s game. I do know that her camel toe is firmer than Coach Bill Cowher’s chin, which is itself Rushmorian in its prominence and structural integrity.

Naomi Campbell
Toe Factor: 6 (I was frankly expecting more)
Favorite Drink: POM (until they go Chap 11 next month)

Naomi Campbell is one of those supermodels that everyone loves to hate. She has a temper. She expects to be treated like a queen. And why the hell not? If any of you saw the Victoria’s Secret fashion show this year (and something tells me our readers may have tuned in), she was hands-down the hottest woman on the runway.

Camel Toe-stess with the Mostess
Toe Factor: 6
Seen: Trying on knee pads at Sports Chalet

It used to be that the best part of not living in Los Angeles was that you didn’t have to listen to Jillian Barberie. But now someone at Fox has decided to elevate the national profile of this motor-mouthed weather girl…