Posts Tagged ‘ spandex ’

Mariah Carey makes The Camel Toe Report

mariahtoe
MenTOE Health: 10
Mental Health: 3
Here’s a fine toe shot of the singer who will never quite be anything more than the poor-man’s Whitney Houston. Even her breakdowns and bad marriages can’t compare to the anorexia and lesbian rumors of the real Diva. After ten years of overexposure and undeniable success, I cannot decide if she is good looking or not. I doubt she will age gracefully; her trend of dressing sluttier with each passing year charts a very dangerous course for the years 2011 and beyond.

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Kelly Ripa Toe

kellyripa
Toe Factor: 9

I don’t know what is more remarkable: that Regis could replace Kathie Lee with someone even more banal and vapid or that he could do so and continue to stay on the air. Sometimes while channel-surfing I find myself rubbernecking on this show… and rubbernecking is exactly what it is.

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Camel-Toe-na or Christina Aguilera

christinaaguilera

Christina Aguilera
Toe Factor: 7

I’m not really sure what to make of this. I know she’s from Pittsburgh, and I’m guessing that this is some sort of bizarre Moulin Rouge-inspired halftime show at a Steeler’s game. I do know that her camel toe is firmer than Coach Bill Cowher’s chin, which is itself Rushmorian in its prominence and structural integrity.

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Lil’ Kim, Big Camel Toe

lilkimtoe

Lil’ Kim, Big Camel Toe
Toe Factor: 10

Fans have suggested that we do a spin-off site called Camel-HO for some time and we’ve resisted. Well, our corporate expansion strategy might have to be revisited in light of the arrival of this photo in our mailbox. Her Camel Toe looks EXACTLY like The Camel Toe Report logo, it’s that perfect.

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Starbucks Camel Toe

starbucks

Toe Factor: 4 (not great toe, but cmon…)
Seen: Cirque de No Way

Starbucks and coffee have come a long way. We used to order coffee by saying “Coffee please”. Now we have to indicate size, type of milk used, and blend, all while speaking Italian.

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German Camel Toe by Sigrid and Jolie

Sigrid and Jolie
Toe Factor: 18 (9×2)
Seen: Jolie’s basement, 2AM Thursday, photo by her brother Helmut

Sigrid and Jolie were the hottest girls in the class of 1992 at Hamburg High (Germany). To this day they like to get together and listen to Ace of Base in Jolie’s basement and talk about old times,

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Beast Hampton meet the camel toe

Toe Factor: 10

This picture goes right to the heart of the changing of the guard in the Hamptons. The WASPy woman on the left is appropriately frumpy and ageless in the sense that you don’t know if she’s 28 or 44. She looks equally comfortable taking care of her horse or helping her oldest son fill out his Hotchkiss application.

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Clean and Don’t Jerk

strongtoeToe Factor: 5
Overheard Asking: “Can I Supersize the Grand Slam?”
Seen: Using the bars in the handicap stall for support while taking a dump

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Nutcrackers at Camel Toe, Sweet.

ballet

Toe Factor: 7

These two are on their toes for one reason: otherwise their genitals would be sweeping the floor. What’s particularly alarming is that I’m not sure if the dancer on the right is a man or a woman, if it is a woman then man what a camel toe,

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Camel Toe Luger

Toe Factor: 10 (says so right on the uniform)
Fear Factor: 10 AAAAAAHHHHHHH
Seen: Going back to his job at Home Depot with no
medal

First off, let’s be clear that the Winter Olympics consists primarily of hobbies for rich white people rather than athletics. I’m not saying that athletic skill isn’t required to perform these functions well…just that they are not sports. Take Luge,

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