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Cameltoe Female Model
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Toe-ri Spelling
Toe Factor: 8
Nepotoeism Factor: 10
Since Beverly Hills 90210 went off the air last year, business at the PEACH PIT has slumped. With Brandon (Jason Priestly) either in rehab at Promises in Malibu (where his roommate is A.J. from Backstreet Boys) or touring with Barenaked Ladies, Nat needed someone at the counter who could drive traffic and move some of his pies. Enter Tori Spelling, who was 'referred' to Nat by her dad, the actual owner of the restaurant. She beat out many other more qualified waitresses for the job. But that is what she does best. Luckily, Nat has a healthcare plan at the restaurant that will set aside 8% of her income for further cosmetic surgery. I love that she used to date the son of Telly Savalas (Kojak..for all you kids out there). I guess Charlie Sheen, Kiefer Sutherland and all the other loser sons of marginally talented fathers were already taken. Live Through This Toe Toe Factor: 7 (well mounded) Did you know that being the heir to the Nirvana fortune gives one carte blanche to act like an ass? Whether during an interview, or in First Class on a Virgin Atlantic flight, or at an awards ceremony... you can be an idiot virtually anywhere. Here we see probably an older (I'd guess circa 1997) picture of Ms. Love, probably snapped sometime before her brief period of respectability -- when she wore a lot of Versace (those dirtball grunge fans must have felt so betrayed!) -- but after she was a Heroin-using pregnant mother-to-be. Cobain wouldn't have aged well, so for the sake of his legacy and record sales it's good that he went to that big crack den in the sky. The downside of his death for the rest of us was the increased popularity of that self-pitying Seattle flannel-shirt-wearin' grunge aesthetic. But here at the toe we have to give props where they're due... Hole's "Live Through This"… is a pretty good album.
Big Brother “CamelJo”
Toe Factor: 9
Some of us have never seen this show, but that doesn’t hinder our appreciation for this specimen. The toe is highlighted by a bikini that looks like it’s made out of yarn or string and is some boner-inducing variety of macramé. This is the part of reality TV that has nothing to do with the reality of anyone that I’ve met, most (and most depressingly) of all me. If Big Brother is one of those shows that puts people in a room mate scenario and tries to stoke fires of passion and create sexual tension, you need one of these for the premise to work. Many people don’t know that Orwell didn’t sell many books until he died (sort of like a literary Scott Joplin) and that late in his career he had to write Penthouse Forum stories and letters under a column entitled “Brave Nude World”… so he’d have loved this.
G.I. Toe
Patriotoesm Factor: 10
As our commander and chief says, there is "good" and there is "evil." This is the former. When you're fighting a war in the Middle East, where the battlefield is essentially a large beach, it makes sense to bring in top fashion designers to consult with the pentagon on proper attire for our troops. This is especially so in a post cold-war environment, where you can expect the impoverished Russians and tired-looking coalition partners to show up at the party wearing something uninspired. Here we see Brooke Burke in the new Spring "Hussein" Collection, a joint venture between Raytheon and Yves Saint Laurent. It's a look that says to Bin Laden and the Toeliban: "You're so 2001."
Anna Nicole Toe
Toe Factor: 9 (1/10th of her late husband's age)
Not Seen: Libraries, Museums, Schools
Anna Nicole is the white Oprah. While that is clearly unfair to Oprah for many reasons, both ladies were overweight and mildly talented and ended up insanely wealthy television stars. The difference is that Oprah did it with insight and business acumen. Anna did it by marrying a billionaire on his deathbed at age 90 when she was 26. Picture the look on his kid's faces at the wedding. Better yet, picture the sex she had to endure to earn her inheritance. Texas is full of people whose wealth seems inexplicable (Mark Cuban). But 225 lb former KFC employees seldom crack the $100MM barrier, even in Texas. Isn't that what makes America great? No, it isn't. But it is what makes America the world's capital of smug commentary.
Camel Toe Girls
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T to the Izzo
Let's get one thing straight. I love Beyonce. That video for "Crazy in Love" is ridiculous. It makes Britney and Christina Agui-lame-a look about as sexy as a Janet Reno/Rush Limbaugh amateur porn clip. I have heard all the knocks on her music, her father, Destiny's Child, etc.
SeeToe at SeaWorld
Unless this girl is pointing to Shamu playing a trumpet while juggling, or fielding questions about Iraq alternating between accent-less English and fluent Farsi, all the audience will notice is her cameltoe -- which looks a lot like male junk with an unusually large right nut.
Led Zeppelin on the Toemac
With the possible exception of Milli Vanilli, Zeppelin is the finest band of all time. I could "Ramble On" about these guys for hours.