Kid Wikkid

Toe Factor: 40 (8x5)
Likelihood that one of these guys drives a "bushhog" at work: High

It’s hard to believe that this ragged, toe-accentuating look was ever considered cool, even in places like Harrisburg, PA and Worcester, MA. These rockers (from left: "Corn" Mills, "Chucky" Joyce, "Flounder" Knapp, "Abs" Lemkau and an unknown substitute bassist) are part of the Dartmouth class of 1991. Whipped into a musical and capitalist frenzy by the artistic beauty and commercial strength of such luminaries as Dokken, Trixter, Krokus, Warrant and (most obviously) Poison, these guys briefly abandoned the dream of making partner at McKinsey by 30 to pursue more libidinous endeavors in the world of Glam Rock.

They quickly overcame an inability to play instruments or sing and built a loyal following among their immediate friends, sometimes filling the basement of their fraternity house with tens of screaming co-eds drunk on life and the sentimentality and undulating crescendos of their power ballads. "Corn" Mills, the drummer and leader of the group, was known to perform shirtless after hours of isometrics and pull-ups on a chin-up bar he installed in the bathroom doorway. Lekmau, the lithe lead singer with a self-described "twelve pack" of a stomach and an uncanny brilliance with Microsoft Excel, often performed in a bandana (a la Mike Reno of Loverboy) to cover up the acne that sometimes marred his otherwise beautiful face. Knapp, who also went by "Johnny Downtown" wore all black and struck a sensitive pose on stage, with his soft eyes melting the girls in the front row and his ability to hack squat 500 pounds spreading jealousy among all but the most powerful in the venue. "Chucky" Joyce (so named for his resemblance to the frightening doll in the "Child’s Play" trilogy) often performed in a thong with his back to the audience, exposing for all his ass-cheek tattoos of Pittsburgh Steelers coaches Chuck Knoll and Bill Cowher. Although they’ve all since sold out and are now millionaire fathers and husbands, for a while these boys could rock.

Spinal Tap

Toe Factor: 11 (of course)
Seen: Waiting for the limo in the lobby
Overheard Saying: "What's wrong with being sexy?"

Hello Cleveland. Those of you with any culture will recognize this as a photo of Spinal Tap, one of the Oscar nominees in the "Best Picture with a Cameltoe" category. And that's far more than an armadillo crammed into David St. Hubbins'color coordinated spandex ensemble. Bonerous points for the Marshall stack and soon-to- spontaneously-combust drummer. Smell the glove and spread the love.

David Lee Roth

Toe Factor: 8

So this is what it's come to. Perhaps the coolest glam rocker of all -- the guy who had more fun and hits and beaver in the 1980's than all the others combined -- now looks like Jeff Skilling in a wig at the 1999 Enron Halloween party. Kudos to Dave for his admirable physical conditioning (we've seen him in a 'unitard' working out at Gold's Gym in Venice, CA) and seemingly ample lumber. But this has to stop. Images like this can overshadow how great it was to listen to "Unchained" at ear-crushing volume on a Blaupunkt car stereo in 1984 (when the radio was more expensive than the rest of my car). Or how much I enjoyed mouthing "Have you seen Junior's grades?" into my bathroom mirror, while popping my first zit in 7th grade. My aversion to this picture aside, DLR even in this state, is still better than Sammy Hagar in his prime.

Clay Aiken Toe

Toe Factor: 6

The popularity of Clay Aiken is why I consider America to only have six wor seven states at most. I never want to be in a state where his records achieve popularity or where he’d be able to recoup coach airfare from attending an autograph session at the local tower records. I think it’s funny that he’s popular in the states that are the most homophobic. The people in the states who know he’s gay (mostly coastal, naturally) hate him for the right reasons - because his music is harmful to ones health and general well-being. Can American idol actually produce someone who could sell records to people who didn’t get wrapped up in the drama of the selection process? Do we have to choose between an even fatter Luther Vandross and this guy? The strongest argument Clay has that he’s straight is that no self respecting gay man would be caught dead in Clay’s wardrobe which is heavy on stonewashed denim ensemble outfits.