 |
Cameltoe Fancy Dress & Halloween
Super Hero Toe
Toe Factor: 8... I see the beans, but not the frank
Favorite Book: Has never read a non-comic book
For the love of Pete.....why can't a day go by without some photo like this darkening my email inbox? In addition to his protruding satin-sheathed moose knuckle, our forlorn hero has added a snug-fitting hood in the obscure tradition of Mexican wrestling. He imagines himself fighting evil, not realizing that he is, in fact, the evil. He reminds me of the retarded brother in "There's Something about Mary" that makes Ben Stiller buy him the pink costume. That film makes my Top 3 Films Ever, wedged between "Roadhouse" (Swayze kicking redneck ass) and "Rochelle Rochelle" (A young woman's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk....obscure Seinfeld reference).
Drunken Spider, Hidden Toe
Toe Factor: 1 (If he thinks anyone but himself is getting pleasured with that little unit…)
Seen: High school keggers… even though he graduated three years ago.
Favorite beer: Meister Brau, Schaefer, Hamms.
Before IRC and internet BBS’s, costume parties were the best guarantee of anonymity that there was. Except on Yahoo chat you can come up with minor stretches of the truth like, “its 11 inches long, and as big around as a fire hose”. But in real life you can see our owner of this sad display of a Toe is forced to say, “well there was this accident…” Not that it matters in the least, as after this schnook’s 5th or 6th beer from the keg, Spidey here has managed to put on an astounding 5 pounds of pure muscle, and an inch of weenie length per beer. He has also swooped in on tonight’s jailbait date rape victim. Thus the transformation to The Amazing Spider “I’m-about-to-get-my-ass-kicked-by-her-two-football-player- brothers-and-her-dad-is-going-to-have-me-thrown-in-jail” Man is complete. But fear not, for wherever free beer is flowing, and under aged girlies are abundant, there too will our hero be.
Captain Custard
Toe Factor: 4 (incredible definition, but small unit)
Seen: Running away from a group of drunk Patriots fans
Here we see two of England's leading candidates for "Ridiculous Gay Outfit of the Year". Or another caption might be "All Dressed up and No-one to Blow". Or, if it was Christmas time....."Don We Now Our Gay Apparel...Falala Lalala La La La...". As you know, we here at the Toe are the farthest thing from gay-bashers. But this is ridiculous. What self-respecting gay man would wear a Michael Bolton Mullet and a Members-Only jacket over a custard leotard? And those pumps? Puhleeze. I dont know why, but the image of these guys showing up at a tailgate party full of Patriots fans makes me smile. "Good Lawd...get a load of these chowdahheads. Murph...is that your Uncle Mahty?... Jesus...those boys are on FIYAHHHH"
Tron Toe
Toe Factor: 4 (really a sad pair of dumplings)
# of Emails We Got About This: 8,023
Every couple of months, the world gives us a guy that is so uniquely pathetic, that everyone with an internet connection joins together in multinational mockery. People like William Hung, Comical Ali, that Star Wars kid, the Peter Pan guy we featured, and Howard Dean have given us fleeting moments of global unity where Frenchmen, Chinese, Arabs and Israelis all agree that these people are losers. The sad part about these guys (and they are always guys) is that none of them hesitated or had an inkling that they were about to become a global laughingstock. Their naivete makes you almost feel bad about enjoying their misfortune. Almost. And being something that gets forwarded around the internet doesn't even pay well. Trust me. But back to the photo... look at this guys ass-toe. It has nuances of babboon, with surprising definition in the outer cheek. The guy from "Office Space" with the Swingline stapler certainly comes to mind. If you want to feel good about yourself, check out his website... http://www.ibiblio.org/jmaynard/TRONcostume/
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
Let Us Eat Cake
Let Us Eat Cake Toe'mage Factor: 10+ Here we see two Washington DC-based CT Report fans showing us the meaning of love. We always knew that in certain cases Toe was edible, but every connoisseur knows you have to choose your spots carefully.
T to the Izzo
Let's get one thing straight. I love Beyonce. That video for "Crazy in Love" is ridiculous. It makes Britney and Christina Agui-lame-a look about as sexy as a Janet Reno/Rush Limbaugh amateur porn clip. I have heard all the knocks on her music, her father, Destiny's Child, etc.
Sigrid and Jolie
Sigrid and Jolie were the hottest girls in the class of 1992 at Hamburg High (Germany). To this day they like to get together and listen to Ace of Base in Jolie's basement and talk about old times, like the time they went to California in 1988 with their middle school gymnastics team and had a threesome with Ralph Macchio (who was still riding high off of his Karate Kid exposure and paycheck) in an alley behind the third street promenade in Santa Monica.