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Cameltoe Fancy Dress & Halloween
Super-Shrinkage
Toe Factor: 7 (5 for hers, 2 for his)
Seen: Some lame costume party near Minneapolis
Sharon was invited by her officemates at 3M to a cheesedog costume party for Halloween. She accepted and invited the guy from the gym to be her date. He decided to come as Insufficiently Endowed Superboy. She decided to come as Kim Cattrall. But not the sexy Kim Cattrall from Sex and the City. She came as the 1987 Kim Cattrall from "Mannequin", an outstanding film which co-starred James Spader and Andrew McCarthy, who teamed with Anthony Michael Hall to form the 80's yuppie triumvirate. James Spader's career died shortly after appearing in "Sex, Lies & Videotape" with a full plumage mullet. And I don't mean "died" like Tupac, who somehow continues to release albums every year. Anyhow, Supershrinkage here needs a lesson in being a man. Rule #1 - never go to a costume party wearing briefs. No upside, all downside. Rule #2 - if you must break rule #1, never pose for a photo. Hooter's Gone Mad Toe Toe Factor: 6 Nausea Factor: 10 Muscle Definition: 0 Body Fat percentage: 85 Since this guy lives in Bensalem, PA, I am forced to cross the Delaware River into New Jersey by means other than the Pennsylvania Turnpike, which passes right through this picturesque hamlet, home to many car dealers and mid-price chain restaurants like Chili's. Inefficient? Yes, but I can't risk seeing this in person. Hell, if this guy were around 225 years ago, I'm not sure if General George Washington would have crossed the Delaware and risked such an encounter!!! While taxation without representation is abhorent, and the importance of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness self evident... avoiding this guy and what is most self-evident about him is an even higher duty. Normally we don't post staged shots, but this one is worthy of an exception. Piece of Human Garbage Toe Toe Factor: 7 # of States he is Wanted by the law: 9 Favorite Lobbying Organization: NAMBLA If you ever see a guy that looks like this, don't say anything. Just beat his ass. Trust me. He is guilty of something.
Elvis Toe
Toe Factor: 2 (yes...he has two)
Seen: Vegas.... where else.
This is disturbing on so many levels, I scarcely know where to begin. The image of Pelvis here will forever be burned into my memory; and I am not pleased. The problem is that his gut is so pendulous that he can't even see that his scrotal luggage is not going to fit in the overhead bin. Did his room at the Sahara have a mirror? I hope he isn't one of those Flying Elvises that skydive. Can you imagine looking skyward and seeing this pair of doodads coming down toward you? Worse yet, can you imagine waking up next to him at the Heartbreak Hotel? Some poor woman probably has. But the saddest part is that if he hadn't died on the crapper, the real Elvis probably would have looked like this by now. Now, that is a stamp I would love to lick and put on an envelope. This guy is truly a Hunk a Hunk of Burning Love.
Gerard DeparDONT!
Toe Factor: 1 (confirms what we all think of Frenchies)
Seen: Trying in vain to remain relevant
Here we have France's leading Gay SuperHero, Jean Paul BelmonToe. "Faster than a speeding Renault LeCar. More powerful than 2 week old Chevre (cheese, imbecile). Able to leap to thoughtless conclusions about foreign policy in a single bound... It's a frog... It's quite vain… It's SuperFrenchie!!!!!!" Napoleon went to invade Moscow with 440,000 troops. He came back with 20,000. Let's listen to these people when it comes to matters of war. France is actually a beautiful place, with countless cultural contributions to their credit. But you will never meet a people so seemingly self-satisfied with so little justification for being so... unless you stroll the aisles at Whole Foods in Brentwood. But no matter how much the French piss me off, you will never hear me order "Freedom Fries". Cmon... lets have some self respect.
DTD Toe
Toe Factor: 2.0 (also his GPA)
Favorite Meal: Pierogies and Mountain Dew
"Welcome to Hell Night at Delta Tau Delta fraternity. I am your new pledgemaster, maggots. Call me Garty. First of all, what is with the lime-green-mullet-on-skis-cameltoe-freak? It is going to be a long semester for you, my friend. As for the rest of you pieces of turd, you may think you are individuals. But I promise you that within 3 months, you will all be wearing Timberlands (unlaced), ripped sweatshirts and backwards baseball hats that are slightly faded. You will play video games and get drunk in your rooms until midnight, and then wonder why you can’t get laid when you finally show up at the party with a dip in your lip. You will gain at least 25 pounds. You will shower bi-weekly, using the aforementioned hat as camo for your lack of hygiene. You will beg the fat girl on your floor to do your laundry for you. Yes, all this and access to a secret handshake can be yours. Now chug those Pabst Blue Ribbons, and drop and give me 25."
By the way, if you are going to email us that we need to stop using photos with guys, save your worthless time. We do this to amuse ourselves, not to give you boners. So, if you need whacking material, get a National Geographic or Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Your opinion is like your phone number - no-one wants it. Love, The Toe
Camel Toe Girls
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