German Farmer Toe

Toe Factor: 6 (strong Euro factor)

Here we see a picture taken from a website selling thongs to German farmers. What... you didn't know thongs were an essential part of a farmer's attire? This image could not be further from the American farmer aesthetic... which runs from hillbilly to Marlboro man and everything in between. If REO Speedwagon merged with John Deere in 1978 and relocated to Berlin this would be the posterchild for the new corporate image. In America we only see very urbane Euros... the kind with trust funds, titles and a sportcoat for every occasion... the kind that smoke constantly and act like college students until they are 35 and who live off of the land holdings of a relative who died in the 1600s. America is the only place to find the stereotypical "Euro"; in Europe itself (and more in Germany than anywhere else) you get a lot of the angry dork/awkward type of person... like this guy. People who, without the mullets and the Rammstein T-Shirts, would look more like some sort of mid-80s dungeons and dragons geek than anything else... a far cry from the suave French 33 year old who hit on your teenage sister (successfully) at Cipriani Downtown last Thursday.

TOEklahoma

Toe Factor: 4

From the dejected look on the face of old Cletus here, those Longhorns from Texas just stuck it to his beloved TOEklahoma Sooners . And to top it off, his girlfriend Christine Boylan dumped him right before the big game for failing to take adequate measures to combat his back acne. It’s interesting how the paint on his face indicates the size that his face SHOULD be... it’d be a better look if he extended the paint to cover the entire surface area that his face actually covers. That would have de-emphasized the double chin. Not that that would have had the cowgirls swooning, but it would be a start.

Weapons InspecToes

Toe Factor: 6
Likelihood this Toe is still alive in 2003: low

You knew this was coming. Not much to say except that Iraq is really a ridiculous place. How do millions of people allow themselves to be led by a 72 year old guy who looks like an aging Arab porn star, wears a military uniform despite not being a soldier, heads a cabinet and a congress in which every member has the same hairdo and moustache as he does and who has mandated that the only posters that their version of Kinko's are allowed to produce bear his image. The airport there is called Saadam Airport (that's creative). It's really like a 'bad guy' out of central casting for some really bad version of a Batman sequel. Some cultures will just never get it together; can you imagine how screwed these morons would be if fate and dumb luck hadn't put them on top of 10.7% of the world's known oil reserves? They'd be waking up and waiting for their U.N.I.C.E.F. bag of rice to drop from a UN-flagged airplane instead of rattling sabres at the US with one hand while clutching bootlegged DVD copies of "Dude, Where's my Car" with the other. Time to carpetbomb these hypocrites.

Gravity

What is it about old guys and saggy nutsacks? Every time you see an old guy at the gym locker room they've got two soccer balls wrapped up in an America's Cup regulation-size spinnaker. Why would Darwin give us this kind of artillery just as we are becoming immobile and infertile? When exactly does the increase in sack size occur? Personally, I hope that it happens sometime, if only for a week or two, before Newton's laws render the newfound cannon useless. Anyway, the sender tells us this guy is in Glendale, Ca. waiting for the one of the busses with the KNOW THE TOE billboards on it to come by and take him to his 11:00 Tae Bo class, where Billy's staff expertly ties his junk to the side of his leg with surgical tubing before the class gets underway. Enjoy life now, because aging isn't pretty.