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Cameltoe Singer
Led Zeppelin on the Toemac
Toe Factor: 7
Seen at: Your 8th Grade Dance
Favorite Band: John Tesh
With the possible exception of Milli Vanilli, Zeppelin is the finest band of all time. I could "Ramble On" about these guys for hours. They are about to board their private jet (looks like a WW2 bomber) to go "Over the Hills and Far Away." The facial expressions are priceless. They clearly have a "Whole Lotta Love" to share. With pants this tight, "The Shlong Remains the Same". Hey.....is that shirt made out of "Kashmir"?
Makes me want to go rent "Almost Famous" again.
Retro Toe
Toe Factor: 7
Number of these who voted for McGovern: 4
Number of these who are now Republicans: 4
We've all seen this photo before, or one that looks so similar it may as well be the same. The kind of picture that could be of your dad's brother or CSN on tour. Probably the best toe here is the guy on the right, whose zipper looks like it's running up and down the length of the scrotum itself and whose centerpart gives him sort of a scalptoe. The girl is wearing a skirt so we have to extrapolate a toe on her, but that's a bet I'd make. For sure she sporting a bush as robust as the bob of hair on her head... the kind of bush that Marlon Perkins and Jimmy -- with the help of a grant from Mutual of Omaha -- could spend an episode exploring on Wild Kingdom. I don't know what they are toasting, but it's not a successful workout or a half marathon they may have recently completed for charity... back then no one worked out. It's the diet of cigarettes, Grand Funk Railroad and poverty that kept people thin back then... not spin classes.
Reader's Note:
Voted-for-McGovern? I think not: These guys in the picture are from The Netherlands. It's the line-up of a sixties band form The Hague called 'Shocking Blue'. They had a #1 hit single in the US called 'Venus'. It was quite a story back then, as they were the first Dutch band to have a #1 in the USA. They're probably toasting to that memorable feat. AGS
The Band
Toe Factor: high
Probable destination after they move: Portland, Oregon metropolitan area
What they won't do when they arrive: shower, look for work.
Here we see a photo from 1972. Photos from this era are tricky to analyze, whether it's a group of spoiled college idiots, Crosby Stills and Nash or the founding engineering team at Microsoft The problem: dirty hippies look like all other dirty hippies. While we weren't able to find out much about these guys AS A GROUP, we have been able to find what some of them are up to today. Needless to say, like all sanctimonious and egocentric baby-boomers, they've all "sold out" and now drive Mercedes or Audi station wagons and serve bottled water to their house pets. The guy in the center, who in this photo looks a little bit like Rick Moranis on shrooms, is now a portfolio manager at a hedge fund in San Francisco and has a kid named "Stoddy"; he windsurfs to stay cool but his car radio has a preset station for show tunes. The guy on the far left, who for sure has the largest cameltoe in the 'band', now teaches pilates in Santa Monica after being a group leader/facilitator for "Up with People" in Colorado Springs for 13 years. The four guys on the right are the name partners in the law firm which spearheaded the frivolous asbestos claims a few years ago; together they pledge 15% of the firm's profits into research to discover why their one partner (you pick him out) has many cranial features of men from prehistoric times. The other two (the guy by the "U" in U-Haul and the second from the right) are actually the two hosts of Hannity and Colmes on Fox News.
Andy Gibb
Toe Factor: 7
Here we see youngest brother Andy, who was not officially in The Brothers Groin, but who will be included with the others in the annals of history due to his sound and their shared disco-era popularity. Actually, Andy was invited to join the BeeGees but missed the first of his scheduled gigs when he failed to allocate sufficient time to blow dry his chest. You will notice that this issue is in May of 1979... six months after the publication of this photo President Carter tried, unsuccessfully, to trade Andy for the hostages in Tehran, but the fundamentalists declined... not because they didn't like Andy's music but because Andy was British and they had no beef with England. Anyway, After Dark magazine no longer exists as a stand-alone entity; it's assets were bought by Dylan, Nat and David and merged with the Peach Pit After Dark in the seventh season of Beverly Hills 90210. The plan was for Brandon, after a brief stint working in journalism in Washington DC, to return and revive the magazine... but that never happened.
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