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CopperTOEne Tan
Toe Factor: 7
Wll, this would be the ad for Coppertone with SPF of 500, which guarantees beachgoers the same amount of sun exposure that they'd get in a dirty, secondhand smoke-infested, politically-correct, don't-bomb-Iraq coffee bar in Seattle on a rainy February afternoon.e This girl's not particularly hot, but we like her because her bikini and toe are almost EXACTLY the same shade of orange as our logo on both our baseball hats and super toe t-shirts which you should order TODAY from our Toe Gear store. It's pretty clear that this girl doesn't usually wear a bikini… check out the tan line she's trying to lose... it looks like she's previously been wearing control-top underwear or some form of adult diapers. And since she's used to such cover, I think it's safe to say that most of the time she's got more bush than Kennebunkport in August.
Cameltoe Squared
Toe Factor: 6 (bulbous, but no separation)
Irony Factor: 10
Swimsuit Sexiness Factor: 2 (Mother Theresa had this one)
Picture how hard the photographer must have been laughing on this shoot. When he saw the Everest-like mons pubis on our model, he immediately said to her, "Grab this camel. It will be so hot. Work it. Work it." Our model has ripped abs that remind me of my own. But her face belies a certain craziness that renders the whole package unattractive. She looks like she overanalyzes voicemails from boyfriends, as in "When he said "I had fun", did he really mean "why didn’t you toss my salad?" and if so, should I have?" Ladies... when guys say they had fun, it means they had fun. We are very simple beings. But in the future, toss the salad. But back to the photo. We here at the Toe applaud irony. If any of you photogs get a shot of a large-breasted woman holding a shelf or a rack of some sort, send it over.
Toe-pacabana
Toe Factor: 9 (Nearly flawless… but the teeth ruined it)
Favorite Cliche Jazz Song: The Girl from Ipanema
Brazil is a brilliant nation. They decided early on that their core competencies would be soccer, thongs, waxing, and Carnival. Note the lack of words like technology, manufacturing and chrome. Speaking of Carnival, has anyone seen that crap show Carnivale on HBO? Finally, HBO develops a turd like the other networks. But I digress. Brazil has their priorities straight. They would sit at the top of Corcovado Mountain in complete penitence. We would have a billboard up there with a tech dork using WIFI to access his database. Why does Silicon Valley think we want to ruin every beautiful outdoor moment with a laptop? Anyhow, this woman just got asked what she thinks of Lieberman's chances of becoming President. She scares me.
Mike Toe-son
Toe Factor: 7 (excellent definition, strong shelf)
Favorite Restaurants: O'Charley's, Chili's, Carrow's
Boxing is one of the purest forms of entertainment left in the world. Two guys meet in the ballroom of the Cincinnati Radisson, beat each other till they have the combined vocabulary of a snowpea, and walk home with barely enough money to pay their utility bills. Meanwhile, the promoter doesn't break a sweat and takes 80% of the gate. But in between rounds, the crowd is treated to a Toe vendor, smiling as if there is nowhere she would rather be. This woman, despite her dire need for a nose job and cheek lipo, is probably in better shape than the fighters. "Riggs, Murtaugh, look at the firepower." Big guns. Cut arms. Flat abs. Probably an aerobics instructor at the local World Gym where she dates Tony, who has big plans of one day opening up his own money-losing health club. I actually boxed in college. But when I found myself nodding in agreement during Mike Tyson interviews on ESPN, I figured I would be better off writing about wedgies. Much more rewarding career path.
Camel Toe Girls
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San AnTOEnio
Seth is a simple man with simple needs. He lives in Texas, and loves to sample the casinos just over the border in Louisiana. After years of wistfully flipping through the catalogs, he took his bonus from EDS and bought hisself the finest pontoon boat $6,500 can buy. And goddamn if it don't reel in the honeys.
Weapons InspecToes
You knew this was coming. Not much to say except that Iraq is really a ridiculous place. How do millions of people allow themselves to be led by a 72 year old guy who looks like an aging Arab porn star
The Crazy Question Toe
When I look at the Spanish TV stations I wonder to myself… "do these people really like this stuff?" Or do we as the imperialistic American programmers just assume they do?