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Punc-Toe-ation
Toe Factor: 7
Seen: Separating phrases and clauses
know, according to Schoolhouse Rock, it's the conjunction whose function is to hook up clauses and phrases (this occurs at conjunction junction). So no emails about my grammar. Besides, grammar is always evolving. There are a lot of English teachers who would say "Cameltoe" can't be used as a verb, but our readership knows better -- despite their propensity to be unemployed or in the sixth year of junior college. Based on this photo, I nominate The Comma for "Best Punctuation of the new millennium". Can I get anyone to second the vote?
Torontoe
Toe Factor: 8 (quality separation and elevation)
Seen: Skydome, Lemongrass, Cavalcade of Toe
This apparently passes for a "hottie" north of the border. She appeared in a major Canadian newspaper recently (nice to see that England isn't the only country that will stoop to T&A to sell papers). Her appeal to Canadian men is obvious: hockey stick and cards mixed with the pelt jacket and Davy Crockett shorts. But even the strategic cleavage and bulbous toe are not enough to compensate for the weaknesses. The mole on her thigh is bigger than a Canadian quarter (which somehow always find their way into my change). You just know that 10 years from now, that mole will have some hair coming out of it. And who wears a bikini with a shearling coat? Bad fashion juxtaposition. Finally, the triangulation of the upper thigh tells you that she is storing up fat for the long winter. But this is not abooot making fun of her. It is aboooot making sure that everyone in your hoooose has beeeen reading our site. Sowrry about the accent jokes... couldn't resist.
PampTOEna Toe
Toe Factor: ocho
Here we see another American Tourist who has decided to assume a rugged, "adventuresome" persona in order to procure beaver in a foreign land. For years, this line of flirting has been known as "The Running of the Bullshit", because the male (sometimes referred to as "the matadork") will do everything he can to obscure the fact that his primary form of exercise is usually just a few minutes on a body-by-jake ab and butt toner and that his typical adventure consists of using the H.O.V. with less than three people in his car. Of course, from her perspective, this young senorita doesn't need to know that her brave conquering American hero works in customer support for Gateway and toils in a windowless call center in Sioux Falls for 40 hrs/week, after which he drives home in his yellow Nissan X-terrra in time to watch "Are you hot?". Of course, she could be bullshitting him as well... her outfit looks a little like the color guard outfit that the Indiana University marching band uses. Perhaps this kind of role-playing is really what we want when we travel; except there's nothing too exotic or exciting about a part-time worker at the Barnes and Noble in Bloomington hooking up with Randy from Gateway.
Potluck Toe
Toe Factor: 11 (it hurts just looking at it)
Seen: Buying a tub of potato salad at Food Lion
Every summer, no matter where you live, you cannot avoid getting stuck going to at least one crap picnic like this one. The only upside is the inevitable presence of deviled eggs. I truly like deviled eggs. Don't ask me why. But no matter how hard you try to escape, you will end up getting shackled in a conversation with some bitter soccer mom. Being a parent has prevented our Toe vendor here from updating her wardrobe in the last decade. As a result, she squeezed her Ya Ya Sisterhood into these acid-washed beauties. "Hi Connie, I can't stay for too long... gotta pick up some squeezie yogurt on the way to band practice. Oh my God! Is that a new Caravan? You look great. By the way, did you see Celebrity Mole last night? What a collection of talent! Anyhow, I brought my famous Jello mold with apricots. You can give me back the plate later..."
Camel Toe Girls
Featured Articles
David Towie
"Ground Control to Major Toe". Let's set the record straight: David Bowie is a genius and a renaissance man.
LiToesuction
Here we see a before/after photo of liposuction. The patient asked for the Cameltoe Special, wherein fat is sucked out of your thighs and ass and then injected into your labia.
NaToemi Campbell
Naomi Campbell is one of those supermodels that everyone loves to hate. She has a temper.